Performance Enhancing Mugs

In the midst of a banned substance furore, one innovative company has brought its weight of research to bear, developing a product that promises to revolutionise the way we think about ingestible fluids, while staying on the ‘OK’ side of the OK/NOT OK supplementation argument.

‘Here at Beverol we have a wide variety of cross-disciplinary research personnel, striving to develop new and innovative ways of giving athletes those critical fractions of performance enhancements, all under the banner of legality.’

‘We’ve been working on our range of performance enhancing mugs for 3 years now, gathering the finest magnets from genuine Tibetan iron gardens, copper from darkest Cumbria and crystals from QVC. Aligned by computers and things, these components are fused with the finest ceramics available to supercharge your hot and cold beverages.

Untitled-1

‘Beverol – making dreams less arduous to achieve.’

Beverol’s product drive comes in the same week that ex time trial specialist Spiro Firmleg launched his MMA promotion geared specifically towards PED-tarnished cyclists, ‘Peloton Wars’. ‘Owing to the incredible endurance of these guys, bouts will be 6 hours long with two 30 second rest stops where food and water will be passed over the top of the cage. We expect most fights will go the distance due to the lack of upper body power. I see it as an opportunity for these guys to win back some crowd adulation, but also get a severe 6 hour-long kicking in the process so it should satisfy both the pro and anti drug audience.’

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Traditional MMA

The interweb criticism cannon has recently been levelled at high level fighters playing too tactical in order to edge decision wins, rather than provide adequate entertainment by laying it all on the line, throwing down and going balls to the wall swinging for the fences with bad intentions, to leave it all in the cage, in order to shock the world.

In what could be seen as a response to this frustration, a controversial coaching style is finding support within the spectator ranks. Human Cockfighter spoke to the owner of Middleskipperton Deck n’ Clout, Tom Gannetsby.

You see what we’re about when you walk through the door of this place’ Tom remarked. An ornate brass plaque that reads ‘yorkshire MMA, like MMA used to be’ hangs over the doorway to the industrial unit nestled between a slaughterhouse and an ironmongers.

With three weeks to go until the ‘All Valley Head Squeezing Championships’ the pace on the mat is competitive. ‘It’s becoming so popular these days, space in the gym is at a premium so we divide the sparring classes into teams of two – one team spars, and the other team stays mat side and mimics the technical instruction that will be provided by family members and girlfriends on the day. It’s important that our athletes develop their finishing instincts through prompting. We pride ourselves on having that aspect of the game down, no-one else responds to ‘SQUEEZE HIS HEAD’ or ‘FUCKING SMASH HIM’ as enthusiastically as our fight team.’

Tom also runs his own promotion the Ultimate Windmill Challenge, which critics have accused of being biased towards his fighters. ‘Basically, nobody’s got any gas after 30 seconds of swinging anyway, so the bouts are 30 seconds long in total via three ten second rounds with a minute’s rest.’

‘UMC 14 – Epic Flail’ features 128 fighters across 8 weight classes, tickets are still available.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Odourtheme appeals suspension

XFL heavyweight title contender Alain Odourtheme has attended court this week to appeal his recent suspension due to a positive test for PED’s.

Odourtheme had attributed his unlikely rise from the featherweight division to his current weight class to a strict diet high in ostrich meat. Odourtheme spoke to Human Cockfighter. ‘Obviously the tests don’t lie. Both samples came back with almost toxic levels of manliness, size and vascularity, and that’s the last thing anyone needs. I’ve been going through gloves, sparring partners and girlfriends like curry through a nun, the costs of a training camp these days, I’m lucky to break even, even after I inevitably win knockout of the night bonuses.’

Odourtheme is currently awaiting the preliminary findings of his lawsuit against ‘Sandy Jo’s Ostrich Farm’ in Headbury, alleging the spiking of ostriches with performance enhancing drugs. Pat Van Heejacher, owner of Sandy Jo’s, declined to talk to Human Cockfighter, but released a statement to his defence.

‘We are a family run business that maintains A strict organic, free range approach to farming. Unfortunately, this free range doctrine has apparently allowed certain disruptive elements within the ostrich community access to substances that while advantageous to the ostrich within the confines of our premises, are also banned by human athletic commissions. As yet this has not been confirmed, but obviously the blame for Mr. Odourtheme’s recent troubles rests squarely at the feet of the ostrich community leaders, and not Mr. Odourtheme or indeed Sandy Jo’s.’

Mr. Van Heejacher is no stranger to the courtroom. In may of 2004, he successfully defended himself under accusations that his anabolic tulip factory ‘The Petal Pump’ tainted the career of Dutch sprinter Garret Van Dahooge.

‘I hope to be totally exonerated after all the facts come out.’ Odourtheme told our correspondent. ‘The necks on his birds are like angry fire hoses, they mad dog you through the steel bars, their feet are massive. I’ve seen normal ostriches in the zoo. Something is definitely not right.’

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

MMA drug tests mandatory, rules court.

In a judgement that will change the MMA landscape forever, independent monitoring organisation Punditwatch today won a high court ruling that makes off season and post event drug testing mandatory for all MMA judges, referees and commentators wishing to actively participate in the sport.

Human Cockfighter spoke to Dr. Ben Pender. ‘This has been waiting to happen for some time now. Fans are starting to demand a greater integrity from their colour and technical commentators and judging officials. The threat of random testing on the commentator ranks alone should reduce the mid-round tales of irrelevant past martial arts glories, distorted personal beliefs regarding techniques and game plans, tedious analogies to completely unrelated sports, and personalities becoming lost within their own diatribes – something we refer to as ‘drug induced rhetoric fatigue’ or DIRF.

It’s our hope that the phrase ‘never leave it in the hands of the judges’ starts becoming more of an encouragement for fighters to look for the finish, rather than an assertion that the decision will rest with a group of people who are under the influence of controlled substances and in some cases wildly hallucinating and afraid for their lives.

I like to think that through this new legislation, Punditwatch will finally be recognised as the batteries in the microscope on the end of the telescope through which all sports will be watched.’

Not everyone shares Dr Pender’s vision or agrees with the new rules. Trevor ‘The Tenor Tremor’ Weathers is a ring announcer working out of Little Underoverton- Town Ohio: ‘You try wearing a suit, keeping the hair right and being enthusiastic over the course of a c-class five hour fight show completely sober. The regulations don’t affect me yet, but I can see the day coming when these do-gooders will kill off the most flamboyant announcers. I say let us use what we want to give the fans the most entertainment possible – as long as no-one looks at us funny, who gets hurt?’

The new rules come into effect next week.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

99 problems

Now available in limited numbers from :

http://www.empirefightshop.com/index.php?act=viewProd&productId=174

‘If you’re having Gi problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but my jits ain’t one.’

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Hybrid news

The Chess-Boxing grudge match between Gary Kasparov and Deep Blue is set to take place this summer at Madison Square Garden. After sustaining two broken hands in the first boxing round of their last clash, Kasparov was forced to play a tight defensive game until a powercut left ringside officials debating whether the bout should be ruled a TKO in favour of Kasparov, or a no-contest.

In related news, veiwers anticipating the april 14th clash between Jed Kampferweil [12-0-0] and Steve Cottle [9-0-0] are going to have to wait to see the climax of the ‘Strictly MMA’ reality show. Both fighters have expressed their desire for 2 month delay to the bout, citing creative differences.

Record numbers of fans tuned in to watch the new franchise which sees 32 contestants competing in the hybrid sport of ‘Ballroom MMA’ to gain entry into the house, and ultimately a four figure contract at series end.

The contest that alternates rounds of unified rules MMA with rounds of ballroom dancing has been called the ultimate in adversarial and co-operative competition. Competitors divide their time between training MMA separately and ballroom dancing with their opponant / dancing partner. We spoke to Dan Galant [12-0-0] about the unique challenges posed by living, training, fighting and dancing with the other participants in the house.

‘A typical day starts with breakfast and an inter-team discussion about matching costume – it’s so f***ing important that regardless of our fighting styles, we don’t neglect the points game when it comes to the dancing element of the match up. At the end of the day, I’m bringing a solid MMA game to the table, with an equally accomplished spray tan, hand-tailored sequin shorts, and the passion to express myself through the medium of dance.’

Dan found his performing arts backgound transferred well to Ballroom MMA, being a two time olympic sychronised swimming alternate. ‘When the cage door closes, it doesnt matter if it’s a gumshield or a rose between my teeth, I’m bringing it’.

Switching between the two mindsets proved the downfall of two notable contestants in the semi-final of the show, provoking one of the many flare-ups and inevitable disciplinary procedings that the series has become famous for. At the start of the second MMA round, both Jared Imboletzi [8-0-0] and Hugo Tremblelton [14-0-0] refused to re-engage in combat after a particularly well executed waltz, and the bout was ruled a no contest. ‘I just felt…. in that moment… he understood me so well’ Trembleton later raged. ‘I mean, come on man, how do you train for that kind of opponant?’

Next weekend, ‘XFC-4 – Who’s got the Ballroom?’ airs on FEX network. While not showcasing the same level of talent, this will come as some comfort to those awaiting the series conclusion – watch out for the passionate argentian tango and guard game of Guy ‘Mantrap’ Yettings [12-4-2] and the devastating, all-or-nothing foxtrot and muay thai of Javier ‘The Shimmy’ Velasquez [10-10-11].

In other news, the creators of Scrabble-Judo, or ‘Scrudo’, are hoping to boost the sport’s profile after citing it as the most pedantic sport humanly possible. ‘It’s all in the marketing. We’re hoping the potential for a new level of pedantry will attract athletes used to testing their mettle by finding gramatical errors on MMA forums.’ Phil Tamberleutz told Human Cockfighter. ‘We’re also adding a few rules of our own – the sudden death rule for example, the outright winner being the athlete who performs or spells Ippon first.’

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

new research gives hope

Consultum Incongruus, more commonly known as ‘Acute Cornerman Syndrome’ [ACS] affects normal people and MMAers alike, and can have a devastating effect on training, and social dynamics in the workplace.

A combination of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Tourette’s, many MMAers  have their dreams of combat severely inhibited. Human Cockfighter spoke to long time ACS sufferer Howard Kepple:

‘At first it was the little things – shouting advice from cageside in the team sparring sessions – I became increasingly unpopular in the gym as my inappropriate cornering began to kick in during technique lessons. I’d scream ‘NIIICE!’ after every move my bjj coach demonstrated. It was really embarassing…..I noticed I was cornering my sparring partners during my own rounds  – which made my own development as a fighter impossible. Inevitably, I’ve been cornering my opponents during fights, giving as detailed a report as possible on my current weaknesses in the time available at the staredown, advising adjustments during submission attempts, and enthusiastically shouting ‘AYYY’ whenever their shots land. My last fight, I was advising the referee on his footwork and angles as he moved about the cage. It’s starting to become a real problem.’

Thankfully, now there is hope. Dr. James Woadandland has a background in the development of medications that suppress backseat driving, and has turned his experience in this field towards the plight of many MMAers like Howard.

‘We’ve found receptors in the brain that we can inhibit, and this seems to lessen the frequency of the outbursts, but we’re clearly still a long way away from a cure. We’re looking into a plant that hunter gatherer tribes in Papua New Guinea have relied upon to prevent unwanted advice during a monkey hunt. Part of its success is bound to be attributable to paralysing the tongue, but we’ve had some success with tongueless rats, so we’re pressing on with the trials.’

Until then, Rhyll housewife Aldyth Jones has set up a retreat at her home that offers some respite for sufferers of ACS.

‘It’s just a nice familiar place where ACS sufferers know they won’t be physically threatened or ridiculed when they offer unsolicited technical advice. I treat them like my own family, every now and then the advice is actually helpful, and it’s always nice to be cheered on during mundane daily chores.’

Aldyth tells Human Cockfighter that ACS sufferers are available to hire for independent fighters needing corner teams from £49.99 per fight plus handler expenses.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment